The Unaesthetic Art of Holistic Self-Compassion

This blog is a piggyback off my last post. Self-compassion has been the theme of my life lately, and I really want to share this journey with you. As business owners, we’ve built our livelihoods on solving the problems of other people. As child care business owners, your life revolves around constantly pouring into others—children, parents, teachers, directors, and not to mention your own family. Self-compassion is the key to self-restoration, and replenishing yourself ensures that you can continue to pour your best (and not your bitterness) into others.

When we think about self-compassion, our minds tend to automatically go to forgiving ourselves for our mistakes or saying affirmations. While those things are empowering, they only scratch the surface of what it means to be holistically self-compassionate. The best way I can begin to explain what I mean by holistic self-compassion is by sharing Merriam-Webster’s definition of compassion: “sympathetic consciousness of others’ distress together with a desire to alleviate it.”

When you look at someone and feel bad for them, that’s pity. When you fully consider someone’s plight and think about what you can do to help, that’s compassion. The same is true for self-compassion. When you feel sorry for yourself because of everything that’s happened to you, that’s self-pity. When you look inward to discover what you truly want and need—and determine what you can do about it—that’s self-compassion. This isn’t always as aesthetically pleasing or cutesy as the internet makes it seem. It’s not about “self-care Sundays” or journaling in an adorable notebook.

Here’s what I mean by holistic self-compassion:

1. Listen to Your Mind

Stop neglecting that voice inside your head. Take some time to process the things you’re constantly thinking about. Your thoughts are like mosquitoes. You can swat them away, but they’ll keep coming back until they get what they really want.

Before you can give yourself what you need, you have to figure out what that is. Inside that internal monologue you’ve been drowning out are your truest fears and desires. Instead of telling yourself to ignore that voice saying, “You’re not smart enough,” ask yourself: Why do I feel this way? What do I need to feel smarter?

All those business ideas that keep popping up? Write them down somewhere so you can put them to rest in your mind. This is your proof to yourself (the most important person!) that you’re not neglecting your desires and ambitions and that you will revisit them when the time, finances, or circumstances are right.

Good, bad, or indifferent, start paying closer attention to your thoughts.

2. Listen to Your Body

For me, this is the hardest part of self-compassion because it requires the most discipline. Self-pity says, “I’m so tired. I can never get enough rest.” Self-compassion says, “GIRL! You need more rest. It’s not kind to yourself to binge-watch Netflix until 2 a.m. when you know you have to be up by 6. From now on, we’re in bed by 10 p.m.”

Having self-compassion is about knowing that you’ll love and accept yourself in any physical form, but also loving your body enough to keep it as healthy as possible. That means getting adequate rest, taking care of your hygiene, eating nutritious foods, and exercising—which brings me to my next point.

3. Guarantee Yourself the Basics

I’m also guilty of skipping meals just to power through and get things done, but this is not a healthy habit to pick up. Remember: You’re a human—not a robot—and you have basic needs that must be met.

Food, water, shelter, and companionship are essential. Your daily non-negotiables should always include nourishing and hydrating your body. It’s okay (actually, necessary!) to take a quick 15–20 minute break to eat something during the day. Work can wait.

Go home at the end of the day. Stay home and spend time with your loved ones on the weekend. Resist the urge to stay at your office or in your center 24/7. There are laws to protect employees from being overworked and deprived of their basic needs—so why do we overwork and deprive ourselves? At the very least, guarantee that your basic needs will be met every single day.

4. Take Things Off Your Plate

There’s so much that goes into operating a staffing agency—recruiting, sales, communication, dispatch, billing, and more. At the beginning of 2024, I was doing everything alone and drowning in work. My husband, who had more compassion for me than I had for myself at the time, encouraged me to hire someone to help.

Every time I sat with the idea, my inner critic told me I was being lazy and complaining too much. Then one day, it occurred to me that I was expecting myself to manage a workload I would never expect of any of my future employees - so why would I expect that of myself?

For me, self-compassion meant hiring an assistant. Within weeks of doing so, I realized how unkind I had been to myself for not doing it sooner. Society has wired us to equate hustling hard with success, but that’s not how we’re meant to live. You don’t have to be all the things, do all the things, or wear all the hats—and you shouldn’t.

5. Set Your Intentions and Write Them Down

Your brain is on autopilot to keep you safe. If your ambitions scare you or make you doubt yourself, your brain will stop you from acting on them to protect you. Writing down your intentions activates your conscious mind and helps override those paralyzing signals from your subconscious.

On the other hand, if you believe in your vision so much that you can’t stop thinking about it, your subconscious will hold onto it out of fear of losing it. But your brain doesn’t have unlimited storage. Think about how much new information you’re blocking because your mental bandwidth is maxed out.

Free up that space by making it a habit to write things down.

6. Be Patient With Yourself

Remember when I said that writing down your goals gets your brain to think of actions to take? I didn’t promise those actions would always be the right ones. You’re not all-knowing or infallible, so give yourself as much grace as you give others when they make mistakes.

One thing I’ve noticed about myself is that I tend to say, “I’m so dumb/stupid sometimes,” when I make a mistake. I’ve probably used those words on myself more than I’ve ever used them on anyone else. Even if I don’t consciously think I’m dumb, saying those things still affects my subconscious.

Let’s make a rule together: If we wouldn’t let others say it to us, we won’t say it to ourselves.

7. Practice Work-Life Balance

Life isn’t always about doing what you want, but it should always include doing what you need. Ironically, sometimes what you need to do is what you want to do.

As the saying goes, “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” When you’re in a good mood and well-rested, do you notice how much you light up a room or conversation? Now think about how dim that light becomes when you’re tired, hungry, irritated, or overwhelmed.

Sometimes we feel lost in the wilderness of work—barely eating, barely sleeping, and unsure of when or how we’ll make it out. But remember, you’re not in a wilderness. You’re in civilization. It’s all in your head, and you can step out anytime. Replenish your energy through rest, joy, and connection. Then, when you return to work, you’ll walk in with confidence and calm.

8. Do Something

Fear, self-doubt, and low self-esteem all thrive on inaction. The longer you do nothing, the more they grow. Inaction is neglect, and anything neglected long enough will progressively perish.

If you haven’t experienced the joy and comfort of having a full center in a while—or moved forward with opening that next location you’ve been dreaming about—complacency might be holding you back. Let’s look at Merriam-Webster’s two definitions of complacency:

1. Self-satisfaction especially when accompanied by unawareness of actual dangers or deficiencies.

2. An instance of usually unaware or uninformed self-satisfaction.

   
   

What strikes me about these definitions is the use of the words unaware and uninformed. Complacency means unknowingly making yourself feel content, comfortable, and even safe where you are, even though you might actually be in danger or deficiency.

Unfortunately, complacency is all too common among child care business owners. Your center might yield just enough to let you live comfortably (but not abundantly), so you stop investing your time and money until your enrollment drops too low. You ignore staffing issues until your director walks out the door, leaving you scrambling. You stop working on improving and expanding until a parent files a complaint against your center.

We’ve all heard of irrational fears. But doing nothing and becoming complacent is irrational safety.

The most self-compassionate gift you can give yourself every single day is a progressive introduction to the life you’ve always dreamed of. That can only happen by doing something—anything—even if it means failing forward.

Let’s Start This Journey Together

I could go on and on, which is why we’re starting a mini wellness series for ECE professionals. Over the next three weeks, we’ll focus on doing the inner work that fuels outer transformation.

For this week, let’s start by being more mindful about practicing self-compassion.

Comment below: How are you practicing holistic self-compassion already? How can you improve? Share your tips to help other readers!